Dear Mr. Text Message,
I feel like it’s time to clear the air, and I need to be honest with you. It’s not you, it’s me. When I first met you, I didn’t like you. I didn’t think you would be around in my life for very long, but since you’re still here, it’s time we sort through our issues.
Please stop making me look bad. Ever since you partnered with Smart Phone, you’ve become a bit too efficient. I mean I don’t even have to type messages because of the microphone feature, and that cool pop up box which shows a portion of my message–oh how you tease. Stop already. Its urgency impulsively draws my finger to click on the message and read it. Why, you may ask, is this so bad?
Well, unfortunately I can’t or don’t respond in that moment, and I forget to reply all together. Sometimes days, weeks, or even months may pass before I realize my mistake. This makes me look, well flaky, uninterested, and–gasp–plain rude. Could you give me some sort of reminder since you’re so smart now? Why don’t you step up your game like Fitbit? She’s sleek and pretty and gives plenty of reminders.
Let’s also talk about your double standards. When I send you a message, I’m expecting a quick response, and let’s be honest, I’m a bit ticked off when I don’t get one back quickly, but when I receive a message, I feel I should be given some time to formulate my response. Why are you creating this hypocritical double standard? Oh the mind games. I love you. I hate you. (Hey isn’t that a song?)
While I feel this underlying distaste for you, I’m even more annoyed when people don’t know you or have your services. I mean what century are they living in if they don’t know you, Text?
Come on, don’t cry. I remember when you had to ask people if they were even your friend in the first place because we didn’t want them getting charged if they weren’t. Now I just take it for granted that everyone is your friend, and don’t even get me started on those group texts.
In fact, that’s another complaint I have. Some people are so chummy with you they’re hanging out with you when they shouldn’t be–like when they’re driving. Hello! Couldn’t you hook up with GPS and recognize when we’re driving and just leave for a bit? Well, I guess that has its own problems because what if we’re the passenger and we need information. Heaven forbid.
Speaking of leaving, you do leave–like for-ev-er! We all know Google and Facebook remember everything we type, why can’t you? Um, couldn’t you be a little more forgiving like Email and, I don’t know, have a trash button or un-read button or something? Oh the sadness I feel when I realize I did need that message. Nope, you’re gone for good. Getting info. on recovering those messages goes deeper than a CIA coverup.
In fact, you even have your own language that I still can’t decipher, and I graduated with a degree in Linguistics. I mean are you trying to be cool like doctors or soldiers with all your acronyms? Listen, I only need one acronym–LOL–see? The rest just confuse us near 40 year olds. Keep it simple, okay?Oh sorry, I’m not trying to offend you. I’m just frustrated and need to get these things off my chest. In fact, I think we may need to go to therapy. My self esteem has taken a hit lately. I frequently find myself repeating things such as “Oh crap” and “Darn it” or “I forgot to respond” and “I’m so horrible.” You’re not helping in the positive self image department.
You do kind of dumb everyone down as well. Why did you kiss Punctuation and Grammar goodbye? You take advantage of people too, especially people that already lack critical thinking skills–like teenagers and adults who are tempted to do really stupid things, even criminal things because of you.
I hate to bring it up again, but you do waste my time like when I hit reply only to realize 10 minutes later I wasted my time drafting a reply because it would be faster making a blasted phone call. After all, I don’t want to send a long awkward message. I’ve already talked with you about making me look bad.
I hope you won’t be offended by my candid letter. Because of you letters like this have almost disappeared now. I must say that for the most part I enjoy your company and your quick nature. I’ll try not to fall for your center-of-attention charms IF you’ll do a little more PR on your end and improve my image.
Love ya, (sometimes)
P.S. I even wrote this letter in an attempt to procrastinate–you guessed it–answering my text messages–LOL!
Do you have a love/hate relationship with text messages and “texting” like I do?